Study support
Dear Counselling,
I'm finding it hard to juggle my home life with uni work. I have a young child and my partner is not very supportive of me studying. He gets frustrated that I’m up late studying pretty much from the time our child has gone to bed and not spending the time with him. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and explain how important a good career is to me but he doesn’t understand. I’ve also told him that I might have more time if he helped out with our son but he doesn’t see caring for him as his job - more as mine. Am I over reacting? Is it selfish of me to put myself and my study before my partner or is he the one being selfish expecting me not to? - Anonymous
One of the most common and hardest problems our students face is juggling study with all the other demands of life. Your relationship with your partner is a very important and large part of that juggling act. And on top of this, you also have the constant demands of a young child on your time - this is not an easy balance. It sounds like you are committed to your goals for the future and I don’t think you are selfish wanting these things for yourself and your family.
Disagreements in relationships are inevitable so for a relationship to work over the long term, having good communication is essential. It sounds like for both you and your partner your intentions are good - you both want to spend time with each other. But something is getting lost in translation when you talk about it, which can definitely lead to fights and frustration.
When talking about this issue, it’s really important that you both feel good and calm. Try to make sure that when you talk to your partner, you’re not being condescending or demeaning and that you talk about what he does, not who he is. For example, instead of saying “You are lazy and selfish for not helping me out”, you might say “I miss you and would like to spend more time with you, if you could help me with some tasks we could have more time together”. And make sure you listen to what your partner says and how they feel and accept responsibility for what you can. Remind yourself of what is good in your partner and tell them.
Has your partner has been to uni? Sometimes when people haven’t been to uni they don’t really understand what’s expected of you and the demands on your time outside of classes. If that’s the case, talk to your partner about the expectations and pressure you are under and that it won’t be forever. There are four months of the year that you don’t have classes, assignments or exams, so it’s a limited time between each holiday period. Make sure you use those holiday periods to reconnect and focus on the relationship.
If you aren’t able to work it out with your partner, you could see a relationship counsellor together through a service like Relationships Australia (opens in a new window). If you’d like some individual support, please consider booking a free and confidential appointment with the UWS Counselling Service.
(This question and answer is a part of eCounselling. If you have a question please submit it online. Please note this is not a good way to deal with crisis situations. If we are concerned about your safety we may call you to check on your welfare. If you need to make an appointment, please call (02) 9852 5199 or visit the Counselling Service on your campus. Lifeline is also available 24 hours a day on 13 11 14)
